A long running joke

The Running Commandments

As some of you may or may not know, last year I foolishly enrolled myself to take part in the 2011 Brighton marathon. This somewhat foolhardy decision was brought about after having witnessed runners of all shapes and sizes completing last year’s marathon which left me thinking – “I could do that!

However, after many a long and dull training run I can assure you that running is not a wonderful stress relieving, meditative activity, it is a silly sport – there is little pleasure to be derived from a run which lasts longer than 2 hours. In fact, aside from trying to stop my earphones from falling out by continually jamming them back into my ears, one of the only ways I’ve managed to keep myself sane on these long pavement-pounding runs is by people-watching, particularly by watching other runners.

There are many different types of runner that you might encounter whilst going out for a pleasant walk (or an unpleasant run) . Obviously you get super-sporty types and then the not-so-sporty runners but there are many more varieties of runner you can find dashing around your town or city:

5 types of runner you might see on Brighton seafront:

1. The “I can’t stop”

Walk, don't run - from worth1000.com

Whilst out for a run it’s true, you often don’t want to break your rhythm and will subsequently zig-zag past other pedestrians in order to maintain a constant jogging pace.

However, when some runners get to traffic lights they’re so in the zone that they refuse to stand still, instead choosing to jog on the spot, making them look like a knob.

Don’t let this be you – it’s pointless. Clearly some higher being, possibly the traffic light God, has decreed that you deserve a break, so take it!

2. Leggings – tight is not right!

Too tight - running leggings

I own a pair of mighty fine leggings and I must say that these figure-hugging beauties have been the difference between me going out for a run after work on a cold winter’s night and staying in and watching The One Show.

However, unless you’re running under the forgiving cover of darkness no man should ever wear leggings and nothing else – they’re unflattering and it’s obscene (personally I believe police should be given new powers to apprehend these sausage-squashing exhibitionists).

3. Sweaty betty

Sweaty Man!

Then there’s the sweater.

It’s best to stay well clear of these sweaty beasts as they perspire profusely past you.

Some of them look as though they’re ready to drop whilst others, like myself, look like they could do with a bloody good shower.


4. The girly runner

Running like a girl marathon

Contrary to my slightly pejorative title, girly runners are not all girls – men can be equally as rubbish at running.

It’s that  prissy style of running that’s usually restricted to the ‘hard girls’ in PE class who were too cool to run – limp-wristed, rubbery shoulders and a nodding head like Churchill the dog.

These runners are pretty funny to watch, they’ve gone out and bought all the running gear (oval water bottle, iPod arm band and bright white running shoes) – nonetheless they still can’t run… LOLZ.

5. The over-competitive runner

Aggressive runner - over competitive

Of all the categories this is probably the running sin which I’m most guilty of.

It doesn’t matter who it is or what speed they’re running at – if they’re in front of you they’re the enemy!

This sort of runner will literally run themselves into the ground purely for the intrinsic satisfaction that comes with winning a race that they’ve fabricated in their head… If you lose the resulting race you can console yourself with the fact that you’ve probably run further than them anyway.

So no matter which way you look at it you’re always a winner… sort of.


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